I Can’t Promise Anything Except That I Love You.

I know this Valentine’s Day we agreed to not do anything for each other. Not flowers, not candy, not cards -just a nice date night with our daughter by our side. But I ended up breaking that and got you a little something something anyway.

While I’m thinking about it, I have broken many “promises” over the last two years alone.

I had wls, my mom died, I petitioned for custody of my sister, you left for korea, lillie was diagnosed with scoliosis, I had a hypoglycemic incident then a panic attack, you came home, and we moved while trying to sell our house… these aren’t excuses. Just facts. Big fat obstacles life has thrown at us in the last two years. There were things inbetween those obstacles that probably pissed me off more than anything else because it was easy to target you with my frustrations than face everything head on by myself for a good 391 days out of all of it.

So, out of anything I could give you yesterday, today, or tomorrow, it’s this.

You have been there. Maybe not in the way I expect from you, but you are always there even when you’re not physically there with us. When I was 325 lbs, and your coworkers were asking you why you were even with me, you said “because I love her. you don’t leave people you love because of one tiny flaw.” Do you know how good that felt? To know that you thought the giant issue I had with myself was so minuscule to you and that you actually told people that you loved me despite how much I hated myself?

When my mom passed away and I got the phone call in the middle of the Wendy’s drive through, with my sister screaming “WHAT?! NO!”, lillie asking if her grammy was ok, and me crying uncontrollably in the front seat, you stayed calm. You told the lady at the window that we needed to cancel our order and drove us all the way back to TN, over 6 hours of driving nonstop practically, without complaint. I don’t know if I ever actually thanked you for that. For being there while I figured out how to plan for my mother’s service. For basically letting me fall apart without actually falling apart because you were there.

Then shortly after mom passed, I don’t even know if I completely talked with you about it or not, but I probably just told you it was happening that we were going to petition for custody of my sister and you drove us to the court house and we all filled out the papers. You were willing to take on another child, who wasn’t either of ours biologically, but you went with it.

Six months later you had to leave. And I bitched about it for a good month before you had to board that plane. All the things I’d have to do by myself, all the things I would be solely responsible for, double the work load on me without you. Yet you let me. You still told me you loved me.

When Lillie was diagnosed with scoliosis, you cried. I didn’t expect you to cry. I didn’t think it would have affected you the way that it did. And it amazed me. How much you love our daughter and want the best for her.

When I had the incident in the car driving with lillie and my blood sugar dropped so low that I almost got into a car accident and the next day when I had a panic attack thinking about what could have happened, you told me it would be ok. That everything is ok.

You finally came home last November and things have been stressful since. Reintegration is hard, even still as we try to continue settling into our new home, while selling/renting out our old home. And night after night, you’re still here to tell me that you love me.

There have been days I accused you of awful things, because that was what I was taught to do when I get mad. The men in my life before you either failed me as fathers or weren’t allowed to be apart of my life. And it’s not an excuse to be upset with you when my issues frustrate me or my mind overthinks about all of the past.

I have failed as a wife, and even as you read this, I know you’ll tell me I haven’t. But I have. I have not even come close to showing or expressing how much I love you nearly as much as you continue to do even when you’re at your wits end with me. I have often told you that you’ll be better off without me in your life because I don’t value or think of myself as a productive member of the family (mostly when I have a terrible day). You still tell me you love me and you don’t want anyone else. When every tdy or deployment has come up, I complain and bitch about it like no one would believe. I HATE being without you. Absolutely hate it. And you still tell me that you’d rather be home as well, but it’s your job. And now, as we try to figure out how to live with each other again after being away for so long, you still love me. I could not be more thankful for you. For not giving up on me. For not letting me walk away when I’m frustrated with myself. For encouraging me to be whatever I want to be in life. For being a good dad. For being a loving, brave, strong, and handsome husband.

No one’s marriage is perfect.

We are not perfect. Life is not perfect. But it’s always worth it. One day, we will look back at all this craziness and laugh. We will ask ourselves how we did it and I’ll always tell you “because you kept your promise to always love me” and that is all I’ll need.

I can’t promise you that I won’t get frustrated still. I can’t promise you that I still won’t fail as a wife. But, I can promise and will work on being better. Showing you how much you do matter to me. Focusing on being a better team member in our relationship. I know it won’t happen overnight. I’m pretty sure that I’ll always be a work in progress. But you knew that already and you’ve never made me feel bad about the surreal amount of baggage that I still carry with me all these years. I will be here for you when you need me. I do support all that you want to do even though it frustrates me to no end that you have to be gone a lot. It’s all worth it. Every single bit of this crazy life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the occasional wondrous parts of it, because we have you.

3 thoughts on “I Can’t Promise Anything Except That I Love You.

  1. I wish you could see yourself through the eyes of those that love you so. You are amazing!!
    William and Lillie are so very blessed to have you!!! I love you!!!

  2. As always, beautifully, magnificently, raw, and well spoken. The way you flesh out your emotions on paper is captivating, and the sheer love and adoration you have for your husband and family is breathtaking. They are truly lucky to have you princess. However, they keep you grounded as well.

    If you holdfast to each other.. even when you want to leave, even when the ocean becomes treacherous, even when it doesn’t seem like there’s much left to hold on to… you’ll make it. And, when those times come, look back on this and remind yourself of the love you have for each other. Godspeed.

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